Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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