I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
