there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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