only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
