You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
