after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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