Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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