you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
