Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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