So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
