I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
