they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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