After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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