i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
