Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
