So drunk, too bad you don't want this
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
