I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
