There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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