he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
