i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
false alarm. still invincible.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize