The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
