I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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