Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
