and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
