the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
