i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
