Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
