and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize