You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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