and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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