she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You smell like stripper and shame
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
