Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
