he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
