apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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