she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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