Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
