God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
