im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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