dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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