The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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