my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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