You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
