HIV tests are more positive than that guy
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
