It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
