I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
