Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
