we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
