apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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