I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
