im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
