life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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