for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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