making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
