tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
