the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
