She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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