Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
