I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
